finally home.

It’s been a while since I’ve picked up the courage to share some of the things I’ve been walking through, and today I woke up determined to do so.
It’s been a very hard year for me. Earlier this year, (late February) I lost my great grandmother. Her passing has been one of the hardest losses I’ve experienced. There are so many memories behind the relationship we had, and, although she had lived 121 years of life, selfishly I wanted to keep her with me forever. I can’t help but be inspired to leave a legacy like hers. She was selfless, she gave life all she could, and served The Lord wholeheartedly. There are still many days I wake up with knots in my stomach, as the reality sits in that she’s resting with my heavenly Father; but, I am very grateful that this past year we were able to spend the holidays in Dominican Republic and share some sweet moments with her.

The tragedy of a loss is so painful, yet it’s so sweet when you know for sure that the person is now resting in the arms of Jesus. If there’s anything that makes the mourning and hurting bearable is that I know she’s finally at home.

Finally Home.

So as I think about my journey, my legacy, my life I see that there’s much work to be done. I see that depression continues to be a struggle. I see that my marriage could be better if I put more effort and expect less. I recognize that alone I cannot do it, and only Jesus can help me. I also recognize that walking out is not part of God’s will but overcoming and walking through hardships is part of the process.

Andy Mineo says:
Seeing death can make life seem so clear.

And it’s so true. Death brings you back to reality while also challenging you to live with purpose.
James 4:14 says,
Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

As we continue taking on this journey called life, remember; We all struggle differently but we don’t have to suffer in silence. Seek wisdom through Jesus and His word while also reaching out to others and having a safe community to run to for encouragement. Take risks, smile often, and start living your legacy today.

trust the process.

“there are many people who don’t try, at least you are trying.”

Though very vague, those simple words from my husband, brought so much tranquility to my anxious heart. These past couple months have been so refining for me. I’ve been working through many personal issues in my life while also experiencing life in a way I never have before.
I’ve faced the growing pains that come with transition, while also encountering some of my buried skeletons along the way. I’ve wrestled with bitterness and am daily challenged to extend the grace I have been freely given. I’ve have seen how big of a pride issue I have, and how rough it is to truly live a life worthy of His calling when we choose self over Jesus.

Four months ago, Jay and I transitioned over from a ministry we loved dearly to serve at the local church. The decision-making process was hard, but through months of prayer, discussions between us and some of our sweet friends (full of wisdom)  we made the choice to serve The Lord while working at Centerpoint Church. Though we’ve been serving for a little while, we have fallen in love with this new adventure and the family we have in our new home. There’s never been a day that we have questioned if we made the right decision because, God has given us both great peace in our calling at Centerpoint. However regardless of the choices we make whether good or bad there are growing pains and challenges in each step of the way.

When we first moved to Brandon, Florida I was determined that I would take a month of rest and then seek to find a job. The Lord granted me a job literally within a month of living in our new home. The first couple of weeks were good, but, weeks later I found myself struggling with depression, anxiety, bitterness and some straight up pride. So I did what anyone (or maybe just me) would do during a time of trouble, I ran away from it…and… it ran back to me. As I tried to ignore my issues and try to keep myself busy, the harder it was to keep distracted.

See, I thought I was struggling with the fact my job wasn’t really what I thought it would be,(which is understandable) but for me, it was deeper than that. I was in an uncomfortable place physically, spiritually, and emotional and the more I worked hard at trying to keep it together I was breaking apart.
and that’s when sweet grace comes in.

2 Corinthians 12:9

All this to say that His Grace is enough. God’s grace covers every imperfection, every worry, every weakness that is within us. Sometimes it’s our very own pride that pressures us to be strong, But it is okay, not to be okay. It doesn’t matter who’s watching. It’s okay to try things and if they don’t work out, try something else.

About a week ago I ended my job. Not because it was something I didn’t enjoy but because it was clearly something that wasn’t made for me. I wasn’t happy but even beyond that I didn’t feel like I was being used to my fullest potential. I’m thankful for the opportunity of growth during that time and I do not say that lightly. God has once again proven to me that I need to trust the process and find rest in Him.
I have started a new job at a recovery clinic and I am enjoying it thus far. Being able to encourage these broken people has been such a sweet encouragement to me. These broken people have ministered to me more than they know. This journey has challenged me to take risks and reminded me once again to TRUST that the plans God has for me. Though I cannot see the entire picture, and it’s blurry, God sees the entire thing and it is a beautiful masterpiece.

Psalm 84:11

As I seek to find victory in my own struggles this truth seems to get more real and fitting as days go by.

“The Lord is a sun”
He’s my sun: bright, warm, and comforting Giver of life.
“and shield:”
Not only does He comfort me but, surrounds me with His protection.  He provides safety during times of comfort and times of crisis.
“The Lord gives grace and glory “
I hardly paid attention to this part of the verse because I would always skip to the next phrase. This morning I looked at a variety of devotionals that shared on this passage and as I continued reading I realized that many writers put much emphasis on this specific part: “The Lord gives grace and glory” Suddenly I realized why I would always skim through it; I’ve been struggling to believe it. Although I say it, I haven’t been applying this truth to my life. I struggle to trust that The Lord gives grace and glory to me. And when I’m doubting Him, the more I lean towards disbelief and it becomes harder to believe the truth. The truth is that The Lord gives grace and glory not just when we are doing well but, when we are walking ahead of him on our own agenda. He will give grace in whatever way or form to everyone.
He will give grace to believers because they seek it, to sinners because they need it.  And as he’s given us grace, glory is alongside. Some say honor and respect, others view it as the sweet promise of eternal life. Regardless, Hope is alive! And we can cling to the truth that God gives grace and glory, while comforting us and providing safety in this life of ours.
Now for the part that really caught my attention:
“No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly”
God is a good God. I think a lot of times when I’m not walking uprightly, I’m not thinking straight. So walking uprightly, what does it really look like? That doesn’t necessarily mean ripping the runway every time. But it means, “walking in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God” Colossians 1:10

In this stage of life, walking uprightly means surrendering my hurt, pride, and bitterness to Jesus. It means denying myself, and following Him. It means admitting that I need Jesus. It means loving the unlovely and extending grace to those who have wronged me.
As I continue to chew on this truth and take time to reflect, I pray that this truth continues tearing down the walls in my heart that lead me to continual surrender.
I also hope this brings encouragement your way.

new reasons.

Expect to have hope rekindled.
Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways.
The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.
Sarah Ban Breathnach

Life is a series of seasons.
Though some are easier to cope with than others, we can’t escape from them. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says,
” To everything there is a season and a time for every event under heaven”
The cold, dry, gloomy days have just as much purpose as the warm, refreshing, spring rains; and the hot, summer days are just as meaningful as the crisp, autumn evenings. There’s been several times in which I’ve gotten frustrated at the unforeseen wind-chill, rainstorms, and dry seasons that life “randomly” throws at us. I’ve been learning that though sometimes it may feel uncomfortable, each season has a purpose and those  “surprising days” usually are the ones who truly expose me to who I really am.

Over the past couple of months Jay and I have been walking through a cycle of life change. We’ve been married for about five months and as we continue to learn the meaning of marriage, we have also made decisions that will greatly impact our future endeavors. (I’ll go into further detail on the next blog post) Through this process, Jay and I have encountered dry and gloomy days that seasons of change bring. I can admit that there have been many days in which I’ve failed to see the beauty and meaning of this dry period in my life. I’ve let stress, words, the responses of others, and my own insecurity dominate the way I view the season I’m walking through. Now I’m not saying this because I’m expecting everyone including myself to walk through trying times with a smile every day. (That’s impossible) Dry moments weren’t created for our own comfort, but for the sole purpose of refining our character and growing us in faith.  During this phase in life, I’m reminded of Proverbs 27:19 which says, “As in water face reflects face, So the heart of man reflects man.” These challenges in life reflect the many issues in my heart. If I can be completely transparent, my heart has been drowning in fear, doubt, and discontentment. I’ve been so focused on the “what ifs” and “whys” that my perspective has been merely devoted to worry. Though this isn’t necessarily the “highest pinnacle” in my life I’m thankful because, for once I’ve been compelled, to shift my way of thinking in order to take full advantage of the opportunities of growth and maturity that’s are in front of me.

A couple weeks ago Jay and I had the privilege of leading a group of people on a missions trip to Guatemala. During our time there we were mutually challenged, encouraged, and refreshed. Let’s just say if I can go back for a couple more weeks.. I would in a heartbeat! The country is beautiful (as you can see in the pictures) and the people are quite charming. We fell in love with their kindness, selflessness, and sweet joy. Some of the people that we had the chance to interact with were just so admirable, they had nothing, but at the same time had it all because they trusted God with absolutely everything.

I had an amazing conversation with one of the missionaries in Guatemala named Silvia.  Silvia shared with Jay and I that she and her husband had been working for the organization for about sixteen years. The first fourteen years they were working part time but, for the past two years they had taken a leap of faith and started working as full time missionaries. I was deeply moved by her testimony; I watched her eyes sparkle as she shared how her passion for the youth was birthed through the trauma of losing her child. Silvia wept, and confessed that  she and her husband had been planning the trip we were on for weeks, with no funds to pay for it. She shared how she believed God would provide, but she also doubted His faithfulness. The day before our group arrived to Guatemala, her church had taken up a love offering and paid for her entire trip AND provided a full-tank vehicle for our road trip. Now if that doesn’t make you want to jump out of your skin, you may have to read that again. Silvia and her husband had doubts but she believed that God would provide. They are currently dreaming on becoming missionaries in a different region in Guatemala but it will take prayers and about four hundred dollars of monthly support to make the move. Silvia encourages me because though she has BIG dreams to serve The Lord and doesn’t necessarily have the means she rests on the fact that God is Sovereign and regardless of the current challenges, He was and is still good.

Silvia and her husband Carlos

It is so easy for me to make up my own endings before things even happen. Forming battles in my mind comes second nature to me and it’s just as easy to overreact and give in to my emotions. But, tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.  To know that He will keep me in perfect peace when my mind is steadfast on Him , is such a breath of fresh air. (Isaiah 26:3) I’ve titled this blog new reasons, because these sweet reminders and the dear story of Silvia have encouraged me to face these storms knowing that God has a purpose behind it and because He is good I can trust that what seems good to Him is the very best for me.
cheers to new seasons & the new reasons!

Until next time,

stripping silence.

Silence is so powerful.
It transcends hundreds of messages with the absence of sound.
Silence can stir up many emotions causing people to think and act.
A lot of times it can be discouraging,because we attach our personal emotions to it.
In a world full of much chaos, we tend to confuse silence as our rival.
We feel the need to strip the silence; 
( by filling the void with redundant chatter, social media, music etc.)
Only adding more volume to the noise we already have.
Finding silence requires time set aside and a special kind of self-discipline; especially when silence is unsettling and at times unusual.
To be able to fully experience it, I (personally) need stillness and solitude.
This is such a hard thing to do; especially when matters of life have consumed your feelings and attention. The easier route would be running away.
Running away may look like the actual physical activity for you; as for me, it requires food, Netflix, and my couch. My world has been pretty noisy lately and as much as I’ve tried to quiet the noise on my own, I can’t help, but face the fact that things are getting louder and I’m growing weary by the second. I’ve been running away trying to seek “silence” isolating myself, seeking my own desires; (Proverbs 18:1) and The Lord has brought me to a complete standstill; where I see my desperate need to be silent before Him.
What a beautiful struggle it has been.
Beautiful because I’m learning to follow Jesus
and a struggle because it requires me denying myself. (Luke 9:23)
I’ve realized that instead of seeking solitude to experience The Lord’s presence, I’ve been isolating myself for a quick fix; and that’s not the way life works folks.
Though quick fixes satisfy for a moment, the side effects cause greater pain.
And when you serve a God that cares for you and loves you, He will heal, correct, and redirect you even when you are suffering the consequences of prescribing your own medicine. (Psalm 147:3; Proverbs 12:11; Hebrews 12:6)
God has been challenging me to
seek Him, not for his presents, but to experience His presence.
See when I’m seeking His presence, there’s fullness and joy. (Psalm 16:11)
I no longer see the need for a quick fix to strip the silence, because I see my need for Him. I’ve become desperate to know Him and, you can’t really get to know someone if you don’t spend time with them. Sometimes we don’t really want to click the pause button in our lives because of busyness, restlessness, anxiousness etc. (fill in the blank) but the only one who can strip the noise within our hearts, is the one who quiets and restores our soul. I challenge you to take some time off, (even if it’s 10 minutes) to seek His presence in silence. ( however it may look to you) Though it is a challenge, it comes with great reward.

Let us be silent, that we may hear the whisper of God.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Until next time,

Free Yourself.

A couple of weeks ago I found myself, searching for a book on finances.
I’d say I’m okay at saving up with purpose, but still haven’t found my rhythm to budgeting. While I browsed around for a study, I came across a book based on minimal living. I’m quite familiar with the whole “minimalist living” term;
Minimalists tend to live more with less, and have more of a simplistic style.
To be honest, The entire minimalist living thing caught my eye because,
I’m attracted to the simple things. I think simplicity is classy.
Leonardo da Vinci said it best,

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

In my own words: To pursue a minimalist lifestyle means simple living:
having less and spending less.
I was brought up in a home that was forced to practice simplicity. Many times because of our finances we didn’t necessarily receive our “wants” but, always had enough to meet our needs. I’ve served in extremely poor villages at the Dominican Republic where I’ve seen people make it through the day with a tin can, coal, rice, and beans. All that to share that I know what it looks and feels like to have little,
but, I think that even with the very minimum you can survive.

As I read this book on minimalism, I was immediately convicted. The author shares on how we struggle to let go of things because the reality is that these things hold on to us; although I prefer simplicity, I have the guilty pleasure of buying things and after having spent my fair share of time with it, I place it in a cute basket or something and forget about it. (I do this a lot with my Calligraphy supplies)

While living with my husband, I’ve been reminded that I have an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, especially with cleaning. I can’t sit down and watch a movie if clutter is all over the place. It’s like I cannot concentrate on anything but the mess in front of me. (And sometimes it may not seem messy to others.)
I collect things. My husband and I both collect things. And the clutter that usually drives me crazy, is the the main thing I collect.
Who would’ve thought that the clutter I neatly placed in storage bins
would still stress me out?

These things, these memories, these “someday” piles have had a hold on me, and I didn’t even know it. I’ve been holding on to these things without realizing that I try to find security, approval, and even my identity in what I own. Sometimes because some of these things were received as gifts, I feel like I should keep it as an obligation to others, or because they remind me of joys that I’ve had in my life; But the truth is that the more I collect, the more it affects me internally. My inner clutter affects my environment. It grabs my attention and leads me to self gratification. I don’t ever want to live in such a way that physical things dominate me. Because when these things you and I can see are creating issues that means my heart has an even deeper problem.
(Mark 7:15, Proverbs 4:23)

There was one question in the book that really hit me hard:
What do you want to be remembered by?
Do you want to be remembered by those favorite things you own, or do you want to be remembered by your character. To be honest I think even if we were to choose the things that we own, it would say much about our character.

I’m not writing this to persuade anyone to empty out everything in their house and pursue minimalist living. (That isn’t minimalist living anyway) My intentions are to encourage you to seek the clutter you have. We all have clutter. Just like we all have some sort of struggle. Our job isn’t to neatly store the clutter in pretty storage, but to throw out what’s of no value. Let it Go and when you do, You are freeing yourself.

My husband and I have started the minimalist lifestyle, not because it’s the latest trend, not because people we know are doing it, but because I know that when I simplify these things, I’m making so much more room for who and what I truly value.

Until next time,

 

Why did I get married?

I remember walking through marriage counseling with Jay and being a bit astonished by the comment Leann (our pastor’s wife) made about marriage.
She said,
“Now don’t be surprised if within the first six months you ask yourself,
why did you get married or even regret the decision of getting married.”
I was on cloud nine at that time, and all I could think to myself was,
yeah..that’s not going to happen to me. I mean, Jay and I had gone about things the right way. We were anxious, excited, and very much in love. So what changed? Why did a couple of weeks after saying “I Do” I asked myself the very question I rolled my eyes to and never thought I would?
Now I love my husband dearly. And I don’t want you to think that I regret ever getting married in general.
Getting married to my best friend was and still is
one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
But, as we continue to learn about each other, and how to live with one another, I’ve discovered that I have much unsettled baggage. See, When you start living with someone, they get to see a more vivid picture of who you are; than someone looking from the outside. Think about your family or roommate, for example; While living with them you’ve seen and experienced their victories and joyful moments, as well as gotten a glimpse of their shortcomings and failures. You know this person a whole lot better than the next door neighbor does.
And because you know this person a whole lot better, And this person knows YOU a whole lot better… it can be humbling.

As of today Jay and I have been married for two months, and after 23 years of breathing, it took me two months of being married to recognize, that
I am more of a mess than I thought I was.
I’ve discovered that I struggle with chronic insecurity; I am emotionally driven; Many times I react on my emotions. I have an attitude and tend to blame it on my Spanish roots. Sometimes I can’t handle my depression correctly, and I depend on people greatly, expecting much of them.
As I see these great flaws in my life, instead of asking God to help me, I dwell on these impure thoughts and ask myself questions like:
Why in the world did I get married?
Why did he marry me?
I don’t even know what my role as a wife is?
Am I encouraging him the way I should be?
Well, what about me? What should I be doing?
I feel like I have no purpose.. Do I have a purpose?
And let’s not forget the thought, “He’s too good for someone like me”

Friends, I am happily married, but I still struggle. I feel like many times we assume that after we say our vows, life just becomes easier; but, the truth is
that in life once you get passed a hurdle, you are brought to another challenge. The truth is that marriage, even when done correctly, will still have it’s struggles. Life is full of twist and twirls and struggles are a part of it.  But, struggles aren’t necessarily always a bad thing, Although they may hurt, Many times it’s what you need. These struggles, trials, tests bring about perseverance and endurance; (Romans 5:3 || James 1:1-4) and I can surely use some endurance to persevere trials.

Many times we fill our head up with the thought that we should never have issues in marriage. I find myself, frustrated, because I just don’t understand why  “things are taking forever to get better”
But, marriage isn’t about having it all together. I’m doing nothing but self-inflicting myself and harming my marriage, when I let these expectations, lies, doubts, and insecurities control me.
Marriage is a blessing, but it isn’t butterflies and rainbows.
Marriage isn’t a destination,
It doesn’t come to a final stop after you say “I do”
The journey is actually just beginning.
Things aren’t always going to be dandy between you and your spouse,
It’s hard work, it’s a life long journey,

So, what do you do when these thoughts literally control your every move? When you feel like you’re not equipped to be a wife? When you feel like you’re just not good enough? When you’re struggling on your own, yet have to encourage someone else? When the honeymoon period has just ended and you’re seeing true colors? When your questioning if you’ve made the right decision?
The answer:
Seek the Word of God,
Lots of Prayer,
Communicate with your spouse,
Get accountability
and Combat those Lies with Truth.

Marriage isn’t only about meeting each other’s needs. It’s about team work.
It’s no longer about me, or all about my spouse. When we said I do to one another, We traded in the I’s for we’s, for us’
As a wife I was made to be the helper of a servant. (Genesis 2:18) So yes, there will be days I feel “like I haven’t done my job” but I cannot trade this with the lie that I’m useless. I was created with a purpose. We were both created with a bigger purposethan what our minds can grasp to.
We were both created for good works which Christ prepared for us in advance. (Ephesians 2:10)

Ephesians 5, has a popular verse on marriage that many have heard of (32)
“Marriage is a picture of Christ’s love for the church.”
I feel like I’ve confused this truth with the assumption that my husband is “godlier” than I am, and that his role is much more important than mine.
The groom, my husband Jay, is also part of the church. He and I together are now one. (Ephesians v.31) We are both imperfect people coming together to do great things for the kingdom of God. Christ is the groom, and we, together are the church, his bride.
As husband and wife,
We have two different roles ,
but we are working together,
to achieve the same goal.

I have been learning that my greatest need in marriage is seeking God wholeheartedly. Althoug Jay compliments me and brings about sanctification in my life,
My husband can never fill the void in my heart
that was created for Jesus to fill.
He cannot meet all the expectations I set before him, He cannot fix my emotions, And as we seek our groom Jesus Christ that picture becomes clearer everyday:
I am his complimentary, not his completion.
He is my complimentary, not my completion.
And It is in Christ that we have been made complete. (Colossians 2:10)

As I conclude, I want to share that marriage is a beautiful thing. I love my husband dearly and I’m grateful to be his helpmate. It is a blessing that we cannot take lightly. Getting married will drastically change your life.This person will compliment you, and sanctify you. But, cannot and will not fill every void you have in your life; They weren’t created to do so. It is more than preparing for a beautiful day of celebration, but the beginning of a lifelong journey.
If you’re engaged, buckle up with prayer and guidance of God’s word and greatly consider marriage counseling. If you’re married and struggling ask yourself which of the answer steps, I spoke of before are you lacking? Which of those action steps can you improve on?
If you’re single, embrace it. There are many beautiful things that marriage brings,
But there are also many privileges you have while being single.
(like purchasing airplane tickets.. that can be expensive with two)

Why did I get married? Because I’m in love with my best friend.
Because he compliments me in a way no one else does. He supports my dreams, and leads me well. He encourages me in ways my heart can comprehend but, words can’t speak. He loves The Lord, and challenges me to seek Him wholeheartedly.

Marriage truly is a wonderful journey,
and I’m blessed with an imperfect man, made perfect for me.

Until next time,